I realize now that for many years I have been searching. I did not know what I was searching for because I thought I already had it. I thought I had a decent faith, but it was false. I was in battle with God. I chose to do things so that I would be liked, so that people would like things that I had created. I didn't realize how much that would put me at a divide with my creator.

I have always believed, but I tucked it away because so many friends did not believe the way I did. I was afraid of their persecution just as much as they feared mine (if they found out) when I only wanted to love them. I wanted to be loved too.

I wanted to be seen. I've felt invisible for years.

I filled that aching want and need with things and grasps at popularity. I did things for attention. I wanted things that were expensive, lusted for the unity a community of collectors seemed to have, but when I had what they had, those dolls did nothing to satisfy my desire. I wanted closeness. I just never realized that my closeness I longed for was that with God.

When I created Christopher, he really was a huge part of me. He was all that I wanted to be- pursued, followed, desired, wanted. I made him into this sex symbol, made him all these things... And rejoiced when this character could be a father like I want to be a mother one day. He is me. The old me. And as I was praying last night, I realized the last thing that separated me still from my closeness with God was him.

I have finally made peace with myself and with my soul. I like me now. I can enjoy others better, I can listen more, I feel like I'm becoming a better person. I'm sorry that I was not the type of person I should have been for you all to see. I am sorry that I did not shine like I secretly longed to. I don't want to be perfect anymore. I just want to keep getting better than I am now. I try very hard. I hope you'll forgive me for trying to be what I was not. I hope you'll forgive me for not being kind to others. For running my mouth inappropriately because I was so unhappy inside. So prideful. Always right, everyone else always wrong.

I think I've finally grown up. I've put my toys away. Quite literally. I did a lot of crying. A lot of soul-searching. I want to be accepted, but I also want to be acceptable in the eyes of my King.

And this is what I've longed to write for months since I started "changing" in ways that people couldn't see. I know I'm different now because I feel it. I know it because I have different strength. I know it because others tell me they can see it. I want to be pleasing to God. I want to be friends with you. I want you to please forgive me for my sins against you.

This is my last story about Christopher. You can find it on vividlydreamt.

My father surprised me last night by looking at a documentary about the recent HP films and the author of the series J.K. Rowling. He looked at me and then said something with belief in his eyes that made me understand that he was NOT just teasing me. "You could write something like that. You should try."
My mother agreed.

So I felt...freed.
And it was easier today to get into writing. It took me an hour or trying a start before the story started coming, but my idea is blossoming. It's fantasy of course and takes place in the N.N. (Kiya would know what those initials stand for).

So I may resurrect some of the creatures from the N.N. and work on my tale.

^_^ Two pages and counting.

Two more things on vividlydreamt... And I'm off for the day to read my book of F. Scott Fitzgerald's love letters to his wife and his wife's letters back. I might also read a bit of Gaiman....

I wanted to write an Ashton story, but I'm not in the mood. Molly Malone is on my mind (She's the second story down). I really like her. Jakob however is being more elusive. We'll have to wait for his first story.

I think I'm going to go lie down on the porch swing and read. Maybe listen to some Ace of Base, or something...

Maybe write a few letters...

We'll see.

I have new characters coming to the horizon. Their names aren't quite worked out, but they are different from my usual spins. One is a girl named Molly who has amnesia and is trying to piece together her past and who she is. Another is a blind fellow named Jakob who still sees things in his dreams that sometimes turn out to be true.

These are up for playing.

Molly is average and ordinary. Jakob has the sight, kind of ironic for being blind, but neither of them are extraordinary, nor nymphomaniacs who want to be entangled in great love affairs. Molly's... probably the most fun at the moment because I'm working her out. The same goes for pretty Jakob, but neither are completely worked out, so I get to kind of discover them as they go along.

They're rough.

It's hard to believe it's summer vacation again or that I almost lost my job due to the cuts the state has had to make.

Maybe once my computer updates....I'll spend some time writing. I have ideas at least. Some bizarre.

And I have inspiration from a photo I saw recently and some images that are in my head from things I've read and seen. Maybe....

Maybe something can come true from it.

Perhaps something can be written.

Let's see.

Yes, I'm alive. Bogged down by work and tired. I wrote two things tonight. I had been working on variations of the thing about Ashton for a while. This is what I'm posting and it's dedicated to Ryo. The original hand written version I had considered will be sent to her in the mail. You can find the new version on the community. It's the most recent top post. Right now I feel too lazy to post a link.

Under that is a hint of two characters I'm working on. Darcy and Natalie. Darcy is based upon your typical antihero with a twist. He has emotional depth that we'll be discovering as we go along. He blends the lines of what's right and wrong and you have to kind of like him. If anything at all, you can stare at him. He makes for pretty admiration.

G'night. Bed and then post office in the morning.... Or else I'll drown in hand-written notes.

I'll be posting here to describe my writing exploits. I'll fascinate or bore you, but there will be very little personal information found here. This will be the place of new beginnings. If you're looking for stories, they will be appearing on vividlydreamt.

Old characters can have stories written about them (if requested). If you'd like to exchange writing or to interact with the characters, then of course old characters will have to be requested. You can expect new content, but old favorites will not be popping up as often. I used these to please others too hard and in the process stopped enjoying them as much as I had.

You can meet new and strange darlings.

And of course I'll be writing more inside the world of some of my newer characters (such as: Ashton).

So welcome!